Rejection. Failure. Resilience.

I imagined it all in my mind. It was going to be amazing. I was going to go from place to place and help. I would show others how to do things in a new way; how to innovate their teaching. I was going to learn more new tech and strategies, try it all out, and help others apply them every day. I would be helping teachers help students learn better. I would really be involved in changing the status quo; making a real difference! It was going to be my best teaching year ever...

And then I got the answer. It was a no. One of those "thank you for applying" but "there were many highly qualified candidates and an offer was extended and accepted" nos that leave you torturing yourself.

Stomach churned. Face flushed. I was upset.

Why?

My mind was going a million miles per second coming up with all of the possible answers to this question.

Am I not qualified enough? Is my experience lacking? Did I not present my skill set well enough? Was I too audacious in including an infographic CV instead of a traditional Word resume? Am I too out there for them? Did they read my blog and saw that I use profanity in some posts? Was the position created with someone already in mind? Did they have a shoe in as I was afraid? Do I not network enough? Do I not know the right people? What could I have done better? How could I have proved myself? What more should I be doing?

In such times, each question births several other questions. The frustrating part is that I will never know why. What's worse, I did not even get a chance to interview. To show. To prove. To wow.

I am feeling how much rejection and failure suck right now. At moments like this, I so want to believe that things happen for a reason. There must be a lesson I'm supposed to learn here and now. Still raw, I search for it.

Feelings come and lead me to question everything I am doing, my skills, and things I believe about myself and the world. And I realize this is similar to how our kids feel when they fail at something really important, or when our students have trouble understanding concepts. I see this all the time in chemistry. Trying over and over, some students end up feeling inadequate, not good enough... It's so hard to keep trying in the face of repeated failure. We tell them to not give up, to have a growth mindset, and to keep going. But rarely are we mindful of what we're asking for.

School came easy to me, but I am learning to relate. This is why it's important for me as a teacher to talk about my past, but especially present failures, and explain to my students how much they hurt, and how they make me feel, and what they often lead me to think. Just as much as I need to feel to be able to process, learn, and move on, I must tell my students to allow themselves to feel, so they can keep believing. I want them to believe in themselves, and to believe that they do have the skills to be successful, and that they are acquiring new ones, and that things do happen for a reason, and that failures do make us stronger, and they do allow us to become better. 

I truly believe that rejections and failures allow us to learn and do it differently, hopefully better, the second time around. But, I believe that only happens when we allow ourselves to feel and process the negative feelings. They are valid; things we all feel, but it seems these days we try to focus on the positive by not allowing a hint of the negative, and that is perhaps sick. Suck it up and grind it out has become our motto, but it's bullshit advice that discredits real feelings. I'm sure every Pollyanna has her Debbie Downer side. Why does she have to hide it?

Never does this become more apparent than in moments like these. I definitely had the inclination to not talk about it; to hide being rejected; my failure. It hurts and it's easy to just say fuck it and move on.

But if I just pretend it didn't happen, then what is it that I'm learning?

Promoting that failures are something to be ashamed of, I am regressing not growing. But worse, I am perpetuating fear of failure, stifling my own and my students' growth, and shying away from teaching my son that when life kicks our ass, and it will, and it will hurt, we take our time, but we get up. We allow ourselves to feel angry, disappointed, doubtful, fearful, and frustrated, just as we let love, hope, optimism, courage, and joy fill us at other times. It's more than okay. It's necessary.

It builds resilience.

Take my hero Tiger Woods. I never liked golf, but when he played it, I loved it. Whether alcohol was or wasn't involved in his recent DUI arrest does not matter, because regardless of what was in his system, it is clear the dude is hurting. Something is obviously wrong, all the while he's making statements that everything is going well. But you see, he is indoctrinated into a society that always puts a happy face on in public. We do not talk about The Real. We are taught not to complain. We are not allowed to feel down. God forbid we talk about the negative emotions we all experience out in the open!

And here's the really sad part. Most people would forgive quickly if he just spoke the whole naked truth instead of just suffering in silence. Most people would understand, because they have had painful experiences or tough periods in their life, and they would feel his pain. Jack Nicklaus, the golf legend and a friend Tiger looks up to said that Tiger needs our help. Problem is, he's taught not to ask for it. Problem is, we talk about empathy, but in many professional environments don't allow the conditions for it to flourish.

I hope Tiger gets to 18, but it is increasingly looking as though he might not, because as his body keeps failing, his mind is breaking down as well. He chooses to suffer in silence and I fear he pays a heavy price for it.

The truth is that we can't just be positive all the time. To be mindful, we must allow ourselves to feel. Only then can we truly move on. Hurtful things happen. We're rejected. We fail. We feel negative feelings and that's OK. It's important to help our students understand this and validate their feelings. I really believe they'll be better equipped to learn from tough life experiences and become more resilient.

Being denied something we really want and have the passion and skills for is often hard to talk about, because we feel somehow deficient. Not getting the Tech TOSA job I wanted, or even a chance to interview, I experienced this very pattern in my mind. Am I doing something wrong or not doing something? This is how my mind keeps second guessing everything, but I remember that I've failed before and will live through rejections again. I may not be rejection proof, but I am resilient.

But I wasn't always. It took a lot to get to a point where I can feel the bad and the ugly, respond with strength, and move on to the good. Many of our students are not there yet, and when they are raw, they respond the only way they know how. That's different for everyone, but everyone has the right to feel. Not wallow, but feel. All of it, not just the positive.

When we do we see more clearly.

My son ran up to my car as I was pulling up at his daycare school. Coming back from a neighborhood walk, he was laughing at me happy to see me. I ran out of the car and he ran to me and gave me the big hug and kiss I really needed and I realized that he is my biggest success. I sometimes tear up thinking about how lucky I am to have him.

When he was born a little over three years ago, I made a commitment to become a better human being; someone who can model for him how to live well and love unconditionally. I want to be a good father and it is important to me that my wife and son are proud of me. But I don't need them to say it. I just want to live a life that helps them see it every day. It's because of my son I started changing how I live, learning how to live, and looking for meaning in everything I do and that happens to me. Life's never random and it always teaches us something. I'm ready.

As many of us, I grew up sucking it up, but I am no longer afraid of my negative emotions. So here's the renewed commitment I am making to my wife, my son, my students, and myself. From now on, I am allowing myself to feel it all. I will be present and work to understand my own and others' hard feelings. I will listen. I will learn. I will change lives.

We all have the power to change the world. Let's join forces and crush it.

Let It Grow: Relax. Enjoy. Nourish.

It's the end of the year. Well almost...

Students are tired. They still have a lot of energy, maybe more than before, but they are the I'm done with school kind of tired. Less than 3 weeks left and many are checking out. The lawn mowing season is in full bloom. The air is getting warmer. Teens get heated up.

I was recently involved in breaking up a fight between two girls, a testament to the upswing in physical altercations brought about the dreams of summer. One only just asked me if she can get a drink from the fountain not 15 feet away and the next thing I know I'm out in the hallway trying to pull the tall one off of her and prevent the MMA style flying knees from reaching her face. Other students ran out and tried to assist there, but many times, lunchtime beefs end up relived as Snapchat stories, or romanticized and transformed in classroom word of mouth tales. Learning about who won outweighs learning Math, English, Science, and all that other jazz.

I'm tired too. The year was a blur, and maybe it's just me, but it feels like it's been a long school year. I keep seeing Twitter posts encouraging educators to make the last few weeks count and I want to finish strong, but I need to do it differently. Mindfully. First, I must validate the fact that this is the end of the school year and I need to make adjustments. Second, I need to use the lessons the past years have taught me.

The lessons are everywhere and unexpected...

I had to repair my lawn as it was in a pretty bad shape. It's beautiful now, but it took a lot of work. My wife and I bought our first house 2 years ago and the house ownership learning curve is proving pretty steep. We sprayed Round Up on the lawn weeds last spring. We only found out that it's meant for sidewalks and such after first yellow, then brown patches of dead grass started showing up all over our front yard. Oops...

But now... Now the lawn is green. I planted new seeds. I sprinkled new topsoil over them. I watered them every day. I fed them nutrients. I planted more seeds, which I protected and watered too. The ugly patches disappeared. There are a few dandelions here and there, but I'll let them be. It's all perfect in its imperfection. I finally learned that while I can relax and enjoy, I need to continue to nourish.

This is what I feel I have to do so my students and I can have a successful end to the school year. It's stressful enough with all the final papers, projects, and exams they have to complete before they cross the finish line, that I don't need to add to the tension. Is reducing the stress always possible? I don't claim so. But it's worth striving for, so here are the 3 things I'm going to do.

Relax

Classroom disruptions increase at the end of the year as students get antsy. I can get irritated or embrace them as part of the learning. I've been teaching for 15 years, but only recently did I realize that I feel more in control when I respond positively not punitively when students get restless. "The obstacle is the way" according to Ryan Holiday. Difficulties can be turned into opportunities. I noticed that when I don't make a big deal out of disruptions when I'm explaining important concepts, we all benefit.

Sometimes a simple Hey, I know it's 6th hour and we're tired, but we need to get through this together is all it takes. Other times, I stop and just ask if they can give me a solid 15 minutes without side conversations so I can model how to solve a problem before they are tasked with doing it on their own. It's that simple and it works. I owe them that. They are 17 year olds sitting through compulsory education; a chemistry class many of them did not wish for, and let's be real, they've been forced to acquire knowledge much of which they'll never use. I agree that knowing basic chemistry is helpful in becoming an informed citizen, but why the hell does every student need to know how to convert from grams to liters using moles or how to calculate Ka of an acid?

Knowing that, I choose to relax, because they've done everything and more that I asked them for. They grinded it out the entire year and now they're tired.

Enjoy

So quickly can we get defensive and reactive when students act out. But if we just look for a way to point out the behavior in a non-threatening way, we might even enjoy the moment. I try to approach the situation with humor while at the same time helping the student realize that it is time to listen and participate. It is all about enjoying the relationship we have built. She's not trying to ruin my day. She's just a kid doing what kids do. And yes, high school applies.

I also tell them about taking my 3 year old son to soccer for the first time and how much fun he had doing the frog walk or about that one time I attempted (and failed) to prove inertia is real at a wedding in Duluth, Minnesota. Turns out pulling a table cloth out from underneath a bunch of plates and glasses is much easier on TV.

Nourish

It is important to me to maintain the relationships I built with my students, so giving them a break and allowing them some grace is easy. I used to think all hell would break loose if I'd let go of control, but I learned I was creating my own personal purgatory by trying to hold onto it.

But now, it is the end of the year and I want to build my students up and thank them. It was a wonderful year. The chemistry was okay. It was fun and it was a grind at times. Sharing time and space and stories was wonderful. It was far from perfect. We screwed up. It was messy. We adapted. We improved. Looking back, it was they way it was supposed to be. I was able to reflect and change. I changed how I did some things and I changed myself.

It's like that lawn I brought back to life. Rather than feed it toxins, I can allow a few weeds. When I relax, I can focus on enjoying it as a whole, imperfect, but beautiful nonetheless. And I know that I need to nourish and take care of it. Relationships require work. These days, I choose to make it a labor of love.

I guess what I'm saying is that, just as in life, everything that transpires in the classroom is a learning opportunity and we should take advantage when the moment arises. Teachers can learn so much from their students and from interacting with their students. We just have to let it grow.

We have the power to change the world. Let's use it often.

What Did You Learn Today?

What if we asked this question every day?

We can ask ourselves. We can ask our students. It may seem simple, but...

First, the emphasis is on you. What did you learn today? Each student is responsible for his own learning. Annoy them enough with this question and hopefully the one kid who never does anything starts connecting the dots. It. Is. Up. To. Me.

Second, the emphasis is on learning. What did you learn today? Learning is why we are here. Einstein was right to say "Once we stop learning, we start dying." Emphasize the learning and teach your students to live. 

Third, the emphasis is on today. What did you learn today? To live with meaning, we need to be present. Otherwise, we just stumble from one thing to the next not knowing why. Why are we here today or any day if we can't find any meaning in it?

Of course, answering this question allows your students (and yourself) that one extra repetition; one additional way to process the learning.

So ask them to tweet, vox, or blog their answer. The exit ticket to the real world.

But not on Fridays.

On Fridays, at least some Fridays, but maybe all Fridays, ask this..

“What will you do to relax and de-stress this weekend?”

Look. I don't even know if de-stress is a word, but I know you get it.

I just read George Couros' blog Two Simple Questions To Ask at the End of a Professional Learning Day and though his topic is more related to the rant above, it prompted me to reflect on something else.

The end of the school year is stressful. AP tests, final papers, final projects, final tests. Final this. Final that. Thus, it becomes super important to inject a little bit of mindfulness into everything we do. So, I told my students that I am stressed out. I also told them I know they are stressed out and that I want them to plan and do something relaxing this weekend.

But it's not just the end of the year. I don't know what's in the Kool Aid these days, but I see a lot more stressed out kids now than I did 15 years ago. Why not remind them to take time to chill? 

You too. Right now. If only for a while, commit to chill.

What are you waiting for? It's damn near impossible to learn when cortisol levels are high.

It's hard to change the world when you're stressed out. The world needs you. Take a breath.

What are you doing this weekend? Comment. Commit. Chill.